Well, I’m gonna be honest with you….this has been a hard week. Really hard. God has really been working on my heart this week.
This week has shown me things in my life that I’m not proud of, things I did that God called me to do (apologized and ask forgiveness), things I still need to do (still need to ask forgiveness of someone). DJ’s tombstone was finally placed. He died of lung cancer last year. Seeing his name carved into the rock, well it’s finality. It forced me to accept he is never coming back.
I’ve been relying upon myself more than I have been relying upon Him. It’s great that we do things for God, for that is what we are called to do; but when we lose focus on whom we are doing it for and why, well that’s a problem. I can list all these great things I have been doing to show my burning the candle on both ends and through the middle; but that’s boasting on self and not Christ. I tend to fall into that category more often than not. If we were honest, the majority of us would be that way.
Last night I was sending a Marco Polo to my DNA group when the Spirit smacked me in the face. Zechariah 10:12 says “So I will strengthen them in the Lord, And they shall walk up and down in His name,” Says the Lord (NKJV). I (the LORD) will strengthen them; not Linda will strengthen Linda. I literally had to say how the spirit was speaking to me at that moment. I was doing for God but not with God. There’s a difference.
One of my favorite verses that I quote is “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13. What we fail to do, what I fail to do, is remember the previous verses. Paul is telling the Philippians that they have helped provide for him and he is grateful, but it is Christ who ultimately fulfills and provides. It is in and through Christ that he has found his contentment. In plenty and lack, in comfort and strife, Christ has given him the strength to live and be satisfied, content, with his life.
Do you struggle with contentment? I do. Do you struggle with addiction? I do. Do you struggle to just be alone with yourself? I do. Do you struggle with seeking man’s applause, man’s likes and shares, and not God? I do.
Why isn’t enough just that, enough? Why won’t I seek Christ and crave Him instead of food and LulaRoe? Why can’t I be at peace with being alone, just sitting in the quiet? Why have I always longed for, searched out and begged for the approval of man over my Heavenly Father’s? The easy answer is because I. Am. A. Sinner. My flesh doesn’t want holy, heavenly things. It wants what it desires. It listens to the enemy’s lies and doesn’t filter those lies through the truths of God’s Word and Christ’s love.
How can I lead and teach women when I am such a failure myself? Well this person I’ve been questioning and admitting to is exactly what they need to see…truth, authenticity, honesty. I am weak but He is strong. I am loaded down carrying my burdens but His yoke is easy. I am running towards the wide path, but He is leading me to the narrow.
So I ask you the question, who is your strength in? If it’s yourself, you are going to fail, burnout with flames and wake up one day asking how did I get here. Please do not think this is easy for me because it is not. I do not have it together, see above. All I know is that my Jesus is bigger than all my stuff. He is stronger than I will ever be. It is only through his power and strength that I have made it this far.